When I was eight, I went on a date with a boy named Alex.
Alex was nine.
I was quite nervous and excited, as most people tend to be on their first date with an older man.
At the time, I thought that Alex was very cool because he had a pair of Spiderman sunglasses which he wore all the time, even when it was cloudy.
He also owned a sick pair of wheels in the form of a scooter and I therefore assumed that he was the kind of guy who could whisk me off into the sunset – or as close to sunset as we could get before his legs got tired.
I had also once witnessed Alex do a wheelie on his scooter and he hadn’t been wearing a helmet or elbow pads at the time, which was exactly the display of death-defying daredevilry that really got my heart racing.
Looking back, I now realise that my perception of Alex was slightly warped.
In reality, Alex probably looked a bit like this:
But, to eight year old me, he was a practically a god on two wheels.
As far as I was concerned, I had bagged myself an absolute stud and, as a result, I had high expectations our date.
However, once we actually sat down together, it quickly became apparent that we had absolutely nothing in common.
After 10 minutes of uncomfortable silence, Alex cracked.
I hadn’t been expecting to get engaged 10 minutes into my first ever date.
I thought that things were potentially moving a bit fast but I was new to the world of dating and didn’t really understand how things worked so I just assumed that this was the natural rate at which the majority of relationships progressed.
I reasoned that organising a wedding would give us something to talk about and obviously didn’t realise that there were other ways of escaping an awkward silence than committing myself to a lifetime of matrimony.
We recruited Alex’s friend, Derek, to conduct the ceremony and wrote the word ‘priest’ on his head in Sharpie to make things feel a bit more official.
As a result, our wedding ceremony was a bit unorthodox.
Towards the end of the ceremony, Derek asked us if we promised to love each other for all eternity.
Alex said that he swore on his Blue Eyes White Dragon Yugioh card which, according to him, was his most prized possession.
He told me that it was one of the best Yugioh cards in existence and that he had been forced to go to some serious measures to acquire it.
For a while, I entertained myself by imagining the noble and chivalrous deeds that my new husband had undertaken in order to obtain the card.
However, as is often the case in life, the reality of the situation did not exactly match up to my expectations – it turned out that Alex had forged a number of fake Yugioh cards and swapped them with another boy in exchange for the Blue Eyes White Dragon card.
Our marriage disintegrated pretty rapidly from there.
I decided that I could not possibly be wed to such a corrupt and soulless man and decided to annul the marriage there and then.
Alex consequently asked me for his gummy ring back so I took off the ring and ate it right in front of his disbelieving face.
It remains, to this day, the most badass thing that I’ve ever done.