4 Real Life Halloween Characters.

It’s Halloween!

In order to celebrate this, I have created a quick list of a few classic Halloween characters that also exist in everyday life.

1.
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Sometimes, it is hard to distinguish a zombie’s clumsy, lethargic movements from those of the average human as they stumble towards the nearest source of caffeine on a Monday Morning.

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2.

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Is it a ghost or just someone who has become trapped in their duvet cover after climbing inside in a vain attempt to locate the corners?

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3.

img_0315-1Vampires are creatures of the night – they are notoriously sensitive to light, preferring to stick to darkened spaces.

The majority of hungover people tend to behave in a similar way.

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4.

img_0319-1The ‘Monster Under The Bed’ is a common feature in a wide range of Halloween films.

However, in reality, often the only thing haunting most people in the middle of the night is their own mind.

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The Reason Why I No Longer Drink Coffee.

I first discovered coffee during my first year of university.

Like most people at the beginning of a relationship, I had an idealised notion of what coffee was and was excited about the positive impact that it could have on my life.

As far as a I was concerned, coffee was a magical drink that bestowed increased levels productivity and energy upon those who consumed it.

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When I first started drinking coffee, I metabolised the caffeine content quite slowly and the energy that it provided was released into my body in a steady and controlled manner.

However, over time my body became more efficient at breaking coffee down.

As a result, the caffeine was released at a much faster rate which generated an intense surge of energy that I didn’t quite know how to process.

My brain, struggling to cope with the sudden onset of excess energy, panicked and transformed it into anxiety.

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After around 20 minutes, my energy levels would drop dramatically.

For a while, I thought that the best way to combat this dramatic slump was to simply drink more coffee.

In hindsight, this probably wasn’t the best approach – after all, attempting to treat a problem with the source of the problem itself tends not to be most effective way to solve it.

For a while, I was trapped in a caffeine-obsessed circle that fuelled itself seemingly indefinitely.

Coffee became a dark force that haunted my personal galaxy.

img_0284.jpgBy the end of my degree, I had been to Starbucks so many times that I had encountered pretty much every possible misspelt variation of my name in existence.

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At this point, I realised that my relationship with coffee was becoming quite destructive and knew that it was time to quit – you know it’s time to end things when the other party can’t even get your name right.

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I Would Be A Terrible Damsel In Distress…

People often say that millennials are afraid of commitment; that we expect too much from life and can never be truly satisfied because we are constantly looking to align our idealised version of the world with a reality that is far too flawed and complicated to fit in with our vision.

I do not agree with this viewpoint because, as a unique individual, I resent being categorised a generalised representative of my entire generation.

That being said, I am actually absolutely terrified of commitment.

If anything, my refusal to identify as a typical millennial is probably because the idea of committing to the label of typical millennial is too much for my millennial brain to handle.

However, in some ways,  I’m happy that I was born in millennial times because I don’t think I would have coped very well in the age of chivalry.

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Honestly, if I had to choose between a facing a dragon or marrying a man with a massive saviour complex and then having to listen to him brag about his heroics to his mates in the tavern for the rest of forever after, I’d probably take my chances with the dragon…

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I Am A Master Of Study-Related Procrastination…

Whenever I study for anything, I always try my hardest to find ways to trick myself into believing that I am working really hard when, in fact, I am not being very productive at all.

I like to call these techniques study-related procrastination.

Examples of study-related procrastination include organising my desk, making a colour- coded revision timetimable, going to the shops to buy various items of stationary and drinking several cups of coffee in order to ‘increase my productivity’, before sitting in a state of caffeine induced anxiety lamenting how I can never seem to get anything done.

One of my favourite forms of study-related procrastination involves going through my revision guides and highlighting the key points.

On the surface, this seems like a good idea – in theory, my brain will find it easier to absorb information if it only has to focus on the important bits.

However, the whole point of a revision guide is that it is essentially a collection of key points, a pre-condensed version of the syllabus, and this means that when I go through with my highlighter, I usually end up highlighting absolutely everything.

All in all, I haven’t actually achieved anything, unless basically colouring in each page in luminescent yellow can be considered an achievement.

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How I Would Use Super Powers In Everyday Life.

I have seen quite a few superhero films in the past couple of months and, as a result, I have decided that I would like to have superpowers.

This is not because I want to save the world from intergalactic villains or evil cyborgs – acting as the protector of humanity would probably be a little too much for me to handle, considering I can barely cope with the responsibility of keeping a house plant alive.

No, I want to be a superhero because I reckon that having superpowers would make my everyday life much more convenient – so here is a quick guide to how I would use certain powers in real life:

MOVING OBJECTS

If I have any trait that sets me apart from the rest of humanity, it is my epic laziness.

Therefore, I would find the ability to move objects with my mind very useful – after all, if you are able to move an object towards you then you are less likely to have to physically move towards it.

I cannot count the amount of times that I have sat down on the sofa and settled myself into the most comfortable position possible before realising that the remote is out of direct arms reach, which is frustrating because I then have to waste my time retrieving the remote when I could be wasting my time watching TV instead.

The ability to summon the remote to me without moving would therefore help to ensure that I am always wasting my time in the most efficient way possible.

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SUPER STRENGTH

Glass jars have been the enemies of mankind for years – they are often sealed so ridiculously tightly that they are completely inaccessible to the majority of the human race.

Like many people, I have spent long periods of time struggling to remove stubbornly tight jar lids before eventually conceding defeat, becoming yet another victim of this household nemesis.

If I had super strength, I would use it to break down the jar’s defences with a quick twist of my wrist.

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INVISIBILITY

If I had the power of invisibility, I would use it to avoid awkward social situations – for example, bumping into vague acquaintances in the street.

It would be great to simply disappear and bypass an awkward small talk session that I would otherwise feel obliged to participate in.

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FORCE FIELDS

Using public transport can be stressful, especially at peak periods.

If you are brave enough to use a train or a bus during rush hour, it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself rammed up against a complete stranger with your face positioned uncomfortably close to their armpit.

If I was able to generate force fields, I think I would use them to construct a personal space bubble around myself whilst travelling on public transport.

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TELEPORTATION

If you have ever walked along a crowded street, you will probably have encountered a dawdler (aka. a slow walker).

Getting stuck behind a dawdler is extremely frustrating as you are forced to adapt your pace to match their leisurely stroll until an opportunity to overtake and escape arises.

Imagine how amazing it would be to teleport yourself in front of a dawdler and continue on your way unimpeded – or even better, transport yourself directly to your destination and avoid walking in the first place.

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ELECTRICITY

Like many people, I am quite dependant on my phone, partly because it enables me to communicate quickly and efficiently, but also because it provides me with instant access to memes and other forms of mindless online entertainment.

Possessing the power of electricity would enable me to recharge my phone the second it ran out of battery so that I could resume scrolling through social media, watching cat videos and suffering occasional minor existential breakdowns whenever someone I went to school with posts about being pregnant or getting married.

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SUPER SPEED

I do not currently have clearly defined career goals so I always find it quite stressful whenever someone asks me about my plans for the future.

If I had super speed, I would use it to extract myself from such conversations with a quick burst of acceleration.

People say that you can’t run away from your responsibilities, and perhaps this is true, but I reckon you’d have a much better chance of escaping from the overwhelming pressure of adult life if you could run at super speed.

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YouTube Is The Enemy of Concentration.

The internet is one of the most significant inventions of the past 100 years and was probably designed with the intention of providing us with instant access to information and the ability to communicate with people across the world.

However, sometimes it seems like the internet was created for the sole purpose of distracting me.

The internet has the power to completely and utterly eradicate any semblance of focus that I have previously established.

For me, the site that poses the biggest threat to concentration is YouTube.

The majority of the videos on YouTube are short and it is therefore easy to click on a video under the impression that you are taking a brief break from being productive.

However, each individual video is linked within a seemingly infinite network other videos.

By clicking on a video, you are heading directly into a trap.

Whenever I go on YouTube, I feel a bit like Hansel and Gretel, except instead of following a trail of breadcrumbs to the house of an evil witch, I am following a trail of video clips, moving rapidly towards a procrastination pit.

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How To Motivate Yourself To Exercise.

When I first started doing exercise, I found it quite hard to motivate myself so I bought an ambitious amount of sportswear in the hope that wearing it would help me get into the mind-set of an athlete.

I reasoned that, if I looked like an athlete, I could delude my body into thinking it was capable of performing impressive feats of strength and endurance.

Once I started exercising, I was able to maintain this illusion of supreme athleticism for a short amount of time.

However, it soon became clear that I wasn’t an elite athlete and was, in fact, just a regular bog-standard unfit person.

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Before exercising, I would perform elaborate warm-up routines in preparation for what I assumed would be a high intensity workout.

Warm up stretches are a useful way to prepare your body for exercise.

However, they are considerably less useful when they are used to actively avoid doing exercise in the first place.

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Eventually, I decided that I needed to be more disciplined in my approach to exercise so I drew up a plan that detailed exactly how I was going to spend each workout to ensure that I spent less time stretching and more time actually exercising.

I thought that if I could stick to my workout plan, I would eventually fall into a routine and motivating myself to do exercise wouldn’t be such a struggle.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until my workouts started to deviate slightly from the routines that I had originally set out for myself.

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At one point, I also tried going to exercise classes in the hope that the group camaraderie would help drag me through the workout.

The concept of the exercise class has been around since Mulan times (very historically accurate…) in which the renowned military personal trainer Li Shang whipped his recruits into shape to the tune of the song ‘I’ll Make A Man Out Of You’

‘I’ll Make A Man Out Of You’ is a highly motivational song that makes getting fit feel like a heroic mission.

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However, the message relayed to participants in fitness boot camps nowadays tend to be slightly less stirring and dramatic .

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At the end of the day, there is only one thing that will truly encourage me to exercise.

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In theory, healthy exercise cancels out unhealthy cake consumption and everything balances out at a vaguely acceptable level of healthiness (this is a very scientifically accurate statement that I tell myself so that I can eat cake without feeling too guilty…)

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