How I Would Use Super Powers In Everyday Life.

I have seen quite a few superhero films in the past couple of months and, as a result, I have decided that I would like to have superpowers.

This is not because I want to save the world from intergalactic villains or evil cyborgs – acting as the protector of humanity would probably be a little too much for me to handle, considering I can barely cope with the responsibility of keeping a house plant alive.

No, I want to be a superhero because I reckon that having superpowers would make my everyday life much more convenient – so here is a quick guide to how I would use certain powers in real life:

MOVING OBJECTS

If I have any trait that sets me apart from the rest of humanity, it is my epic laziness.

Therefore, I would find the ability to move objects with my mind very useful – after all, if you are able to move an object towards you then you are less likely to have to physically move towards it.

I cannot count the amount of times that I have sat down on the sofa and settled myself into the most comfortable position possible before realising that the remote is out of direct arms reach, which is frustrating because I then have to waste my time retrieving the remote when I could be wasting my time watching TV instead.

The ability to summon the remote to me without moving would therefore help to ensure that I am always wasting my time in the most efficient way possible.

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SUPER STRENGTH

Glass jars have been the enemies of mankind for years – they are often sealed so ridiculously tightly that they are completely inaccessible to the majority of the human race.

Like many people, I have spent long periods of time struggling to remove stubbornly tight jar lids before eventually conceding defeat, becoming yet another victim of this household nemesis.

If I had super strength, I would use it to break down the jar’s defences with a quick twist of my wrist.

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INVISIBILITY

If I had the power of invisibility, I would use it to avoid awkward social situations – for example, bumping into vague acquaintances in the street.

It would be great to simply disappear and bypass an awkward small talk session that I would otherwise feel obliged to participate in.

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FORCE FIELDS

Using public transport can be stressful, especially at peak periods.

If you are brave enough to use a train or a bus during rush hour, it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself rammed up against a complete stranger with your face positioned uncomfortably close to their armpit.

If I was able to generate force fields, I think I would use them to construct a personal space bubble around myself whilst travelling on public transport.

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TELEPORTATION

If you have ever walked along a crowded street, you will probably have encountered a dawdler (aka. a slow walker).

Getting stuck behind a dawdler is extremely frustrating as you are forced to adapt your pace to match their leisurely stroll until an opportunity to overtake and escape arises.

Imagine how amazing it would be to teleport yourself in front of a dawdler and continue on your way unimpeded – or even better, transport yourself directly to your destination and avoid walking in the first place.

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ELECTRICITY

Like many people, I am quite dependant on my phone, partly because it enables me to communicate quickly and efficiently, but also because it provides me with instant access to memes and other forms of mindless online entertainment.

Possessing the power of electricity would enable me to recharge my phone the second it ran out of battery so that I could resume scrolling through social media, watching cat videos and suffering occasional minor existential breakdowns whenever someone I went to school with posts about being pregnant or getting married.

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SUPER SPEED

I do not currently have clearly defined career goals so I always find it quite stressful whenever someone asks me about my plans for the future.

If I had super speed, I would use it to extract myself from such conversations with a quick burst of acceleration.

People say that you can’t run away from your responsibilities, and perhaps this is true, but I reckon you’d have a much better chance of escaping from the overwhelming pressure of adult life if you could run at super speed.

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YouTube Is The Enemy of Concentration.

The internet is one of the most significant inventions of the past 100 years and was probably designed with the intention of providing us with instant access to information and the ability to communicate with people across the world.

However, sometimes it seems like the internet was created for the sole purpose of distracting me.

The internet has the power to completely and utterly eradicate any semblance of focus that I have previously established.

For me, the site that poses the biggest threat to concentration is YouTube.

The majority of the videos on YouTube are short and it is therefore easy to click on a video under the impression that you are taking a brief break from being productive.

However, each individual video is linked within a seemingly infinite network other videos.

By clicking on a video, you are heading directly into a trap.

Whenever I go on YouTube, I feel a bit like Hansel and Gretel, except instead of following a trail of breadcrumbs to the house of an evil witch, I am following a trail of video clips, moving rapidly towards a procrastination pit.

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How To Motivate Yourself To Exercise.

When I first started doing exercise, I found it quite hard to motivate myself so I bought an ambitious amount of sportswear in the hope that wearing it would help me get into the mind-set of an athlete.

I reasoned that, if I looked like an athlete, I could delude my body into thinking it was capable of performing impressive feats of strength and endurance.

Once I started exercising, I was able to maintain this illusion of supreme athleticism for a short amount of time.

However, it soon became clear that I wasn’t an elite athlete and was, in fact, just a regular bog-standard unfit person.

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Before exercising, I would perform elaborate warm-up routines in preparation for what I assumed would be a high intensity workout.

Warm up stretches are a useful way to prepare your body for exercise.

However, they are considerably less useful when they are used to actively avoid doing exercise in the first place.

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Eventually, I decided that I needed to be more disciplined in my approach to exercise so I drew up a plan that detailed exactly how I was going to spend each workout to ensure that I spent less time stretching and more time actually exercising.

I thought that if I could stick to my workout plan, I would eventually fall into a routine and motivating myself to do exercise wouldn’t be such a struggle.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until my workouts started to deviate slightly from the routines that I had originally set out for myself.

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At one point, I also tried going to exercise classes in the hope that the group camaraderie would help drag me through the workout.

The concept of the exercise class has been around since Mulan times (very historically accurate…) in which the renowned military personal trainer Li Shang whipped his recruits into shape to the tune of the song ‘I’ll Make A Man Out Of You’

‘I’ll Make A Man Out Of You’ is a highly motivational song that makes getting fit feel like a heroic mission.

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However, the message relayed to participants in fitness boot camps nowadays tend to be slightly less stirring and dramatic .

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At the end of the day, there is only one thing that will truly encourage me to exercise.

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In theory, healthy exercise cancels out unhealthy cake consumption and everything balances out at a vaguely acceptable level of healthiness (this is a very scientifically accurate statement that I tell myself so that I can eat cake without feeling too guilty…)

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What I Want To Be Now That I Am All Grown Up.

As a child, I had a very over-active imagination.

As a result, I had some pretty outlandish plans for what I was going to achieve when I grew up and became an adult.

img_0146.jpgI have officially been an adult for several years now and I am yet to achieve any of the goals that I set out for myself when I was five.

I haven’t written a novel (unless you count the Warrior Cats fan-fiction that I wrote when I was 13…) and I know from previous experience that I can’t be trusted to keep a house plant alive for an extended period of time, let alone five ponies.

I’m not famous and the closest I’ve come to going to space was the time I went to see Gravity at the cinema and paid £5 extra for an ‘immersive’ IMAX experience, which basically meant that my seat vibrated a little bit whenever Sandra Bullock was in the middle of an action sequence or an explosion.

What five-year old me didn’t realise  is that being an adult (aka. someone who is self-sufficient, responsible, financially and emotionally stable and just generally has their life more or less under control) can be a hard enough task in itself.

Nowadays, the goals that I set for myself tend to be slightly less outlandish.

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That being said, I do still want to write a novel set in space and that will make me very famous and give me the money to purchase an entire herd of ponies…

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The Trials and Tribulations of Having Curly Hair.

I have thick, unruly, frizz-ridden, curly hair.

As a result, pretty much every day of my life has been a bad hair day.

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Deep down, I know that my hair has massive potential and I have spent my entire life trying to figure out how to style it in a way that expresses its true beauty.

Unfortunately, I still have absolutely no idea how to control it.

My hair is at its most tame directly after I step out of the shower.

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However, as my hair begins to dry, it starts to rebel.

HairIt has visions of a new better future for itself – a future in which it will rise up into a set of full, luscious, voluminous curls.

HairUnfortunately, by the time my hair has fully dried, this rebellion has deteriorated into something that it never intended or planned for.

HairIn my teenage years, I had a brief period where I genuinely believed that I could control my hair through the power of modern cosmetics.

I tried using a wide variety of hair serums, all of which claimed to eliminate frizz.

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Many of the serums that I used were even backed by scientists.

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Unfortunately, my hair gives zero fucks about scientist’s opinions.

‘Flawless’ isn’t a concept that it recognises.

In fact, my hair is probably the kind of natural phenomenon that would make scientists doubt their knowledge of the fundamental laws of the universe.

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If my hair is particularly unruly, I sometimes attempt to make it more manageable using various hair accessories.

Unfortunately, this rarely proves effective as my hair is on a mission to completely annihilate any hair accessory that attempts to subdue it.

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After years of struggle, I am now finally transitioning into a period of acceptance.

I have fought my hardest against my hair and have well and truly lost so I am now trying embrace it in all it’s frizz-ridden glory.

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How To Deal With Problems.

I like to think that I am quite good at solving problems… as long as they aren’t my own.

It is easier to solve other people’s problems because you are not so emotionally wrapped up in them.

As a result, it is possible to look at the situation in a from a neutral perspective and come to a solution using the powers of reason and logic.

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When you are trying to solve your own problems, a range of different factors (e.g. your emotions, your past experiences and your specific hopes and fears) are added to the equation.

As a result, the decision making process is much more complicated and finding a solution to the problem becomes much more difficult.

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Recently, I have been trying to come up with some tactics to help me deal with problems because curling up in a ball and having a minor existential breakdown wasn’t proving to be the most effective solution.

I think that one of the best ways to deal with present problems is put them into perspective by reflecting on problems that you have faced in the past.

Most problems tend to be much less intimidating in hindsight.

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The Story Of My First Ever Date.

When I was eight, I went on a date with a boy named Alex.

Alex was nine.

I was quite nervous and excited, as most people tend to be on their first date with an older man.

At the time, I thought that Alex was very cool because he had a pair of Spiderman sunglasses which he wore all the time, even when it was cloudy.

He also owned a sick pair of wheels in the form of a scooter and I therefore assumed that he was the kind of guy who could whisk me off into the sunset – or as close to sunset as we could get before his legs got tired.

I had also once witnessed Alex do a wheelie on his scooter and he hadn’t been wearing a helmet or elbow pads at the time, which was exactly the display of death-defying daredevilry that really got my heart racing.

Looking back, I now realise that my perception of Alex was slightly warped.

In reality, Alex probably looked a bit like this:

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But, to eight year old me, he was a practically a god on two wheels.

img_0087As far as I was concerned, I had bagged myself an absolute stud and, as a result, I had high expectations our date.

However, once we actually sat down together, it quickly became apparent that we had absolutely nothing in common.

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After 10 minutes of uncomfortable silence, Alex cracked.

img_0084I hadn’t been expecting to get engaged 10 minutes into my first ever date.

I thought that things were potentially moving a bit fast but I was new to the world of dating and didn’t really understand how things worked so I just assumed that this was the natural rate at which the majority of relationships progressed.

I reasoned that organising a wedding would give us something to talk about and obviously didn’t realise that there were other ways of escaping an awkward silence than committing myself to a lifetime of matrimony.

We recruited Alex’s friend, Derek, to conduct the ceremony and wrote the word ‘priest’ on his head in Sharpie to make things feel a bit more official.

img_0080-1-e1521363834820.jpgAs a result, our wedding ceremony was a bit unorthodox.img_0089

Towards the end of the ceremony, Derek asked us if we promised to love each other for all eternity.

Alex said that he swore on his Blue Eyes White Dragon Yugioh card which, according to him, was his most prized possession.

He told me that it was one of the best Yugioh cards in existence and that he had been forced to go to some serious measures to acquire it.

For a while, I entertained myself by imagining the noble and chivalrous deeds that my new husband had undertaken in order to obtain the card.

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However, as is often the case in life, the reality of the situation did not exactly match up to my expectations – it turned out that Alex had forged a number of fake Yugioh cards and swapped them with another boy in exchange for the Blue Eyes White Dragon card.

Our marriage disintegrated pretty rapidly from there.

I decided that I could not possibly be wed to such a corrupt and soulless man and decided to annul the marriage there and then.

Alex consequently asked me for his gummy ring back so I took off the ring and ate it right in front of his disbelieving face.

It remains, to this day, the most badass thing that I’ve ever done.

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