The Pursuit of Artistic Glory.

When I was a younger, my main ambition in life was to be an artist.

My dad told me that the best artists were the ones that pushed the boundaries of artistic creation.

They were innovative and original and didn’t stick to the rules set out for them by their predecessors.

However, he also said that before an artist could break the rules, they would have to spend time mastering their craft as it was important understand how rules worked in order to find the most effective and impactful ways to push against them.

The spirit of artistic rebellion really struck a chord with me.

I decided in order to increase my chances of becoming a famous, revered artist, I would have to incorporate this ethos into my own artistic practice.

However, I wasn’t a very patient child. I didn’t have time to follow the rules in order to master my craft.

Instead, I just decided that I was going to break them straight away.

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My Neighbour’s Chihuahua Thinks He’s a Wolf…

Dogs have been man’s best friend for thousands of years and, as time has gone on, our four-legged companions have had many roles in human society.

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Recently, a lot of dogs have become smaller to adapt to urban living conditions.

One of these small dogs lives down the road from me.

He is called Harold.

Visually, Harold is nothing short of angelic – he a sentient ball of fur, suspended a few inches above the ground by four stubby and extremely fluffy legs.

However, Harold cannot fathom the fact that he is a small dog.

His mind is completely out of sync with his body.

Although he is physically small in stature, I think that on some level, Harold whole-heartedly believes that he is a wolf.

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As a result, he cannot comprehend why he is not treated with the same sense of reverence and awe as his fearsome and majestic ancestor.

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Being called ‘cute’ and ‘adorable’ does not sit well with Harold.

In fact, it makes him very angry.

He therefore feels a constant and unstoppable urge to establish himself and remind anyone or anything that strays into his immediate vicinity that he is a force to be reckoned with.

img_0420.pngHarold’s has a severe case of  ‘small dog syndrome’.

He is under the impression that, if he yaps with enough frequency and intensity, he will eventually be able to transform his deluded perception of himself into reality and convince everyone that he is, in fact, a big dog.

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The Art of Taking a Good Passport Photo…

I love my passport – it enables me to travel all over the world and explore different countries.

However, there is one aspect of my passport that I do not like at all.

In my passport, I would ideally like a photo that portrays me as a happy, sun-kissed, free-spirited world traveller. Unfortunately, my current photo makes me look like a combination of a pale washed-out convict and a potato.

Now, I’m sure that there is a subtle art to taking a good passport photo – I just don’t have a clue what it is. As far as I’m concerned, it’s absolutely impossible.

In fact, I’m pretty certain that the secret to taking a good passport photo is just to have a good face in the first place, the kind of face that will still manage to look nice when it is stripped of all emotion and framed in awkwardly bright light before being stamped on an official document.

Unfortunately, I do not have one of these faces, which really doesn’t do anything for my passport photo’s overall aesthetic.img_0365.png

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4 Real Life Halloween Characters.

It’s Halloween!

In order to celebrate this, I have created a quick list of a few classic Halloween characters that also exist in everyday life.

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Sometimes, it is hard to distinguish a zombie’s clumsy, lethargic movements from those of the average human as they stumble towards the nearest source of caffeine on a Monday Morning.

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2.

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Is it a ghost or just someone who has become trapped in their duvet cover after climbing inside in a vain attempt to locate the corners?

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3.

img_0315-1Vampires are creatures of the night – they are notoriously sensitive to light, preferring to stick to darkened spaces.

The majority of hungover people tend to behave in a similar way.

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4.

img_0319-1The ‘Monster Under The Bed’ is a common feature in a wide range of Halloween films.

However, in reality, often the only thing haunting most people in the middle of the night is their own mind.

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The Reason Why I No Longer Drink Coffee.

I first discovered coffee during my first year of university.

Like most people at the beginning of a relationship, I had an idealised notion of what coffee was and was excited about the positive impact that it could have on my life.

As far as a I was concerned, coffee was a magical drink that bestowed increased levels productivity and energy upon those who consumed it.

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When I first started drinking coffee, I metabolised the caffeine content quite slowly and the energy that it provided was released into my body in a steady and controlled manner.

However, over time my body became more efficient at breaking coffee down.

As a result, the caffeine was released at a much faster rate which generated an intense surge of energy that I didn’t quite know how to process.

My brain, struggling to cope with the sudden onset of excess energy, panicked and transformed it into anxiety.

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After around 20 minutes, my energy levels would drop dramatically.

For a while, I thought that the best way to combat this dramatic slump was to simply drink more coffee.

In hindsight, this probably wasn’t the best approach – after all, attempting to treat a problem with the source of the problem itself tends not to be most effective way to solve it.

For a while, I was trapped in a caffeine-obsessed circle that fuelled itself seemingly indefinitely.

Coffee became a dark force that haunted my personal galaxy.

img_0284.jpgBy the end of my degree, I had been to Starbucks so many times that I had encountered pretty much every possible misspelt variation of my name in existence.

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At this point, I realised that my relationship with coffee was becoming quite destructive and knew that it was time to quit – you know it’s time to end things when the other party can’t even get your name right.

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How I Would Use Super Powers In Everyday Life.

I have seen quite a few superhero films in the past couple of months and, as a result, I have decided that I would like to have superpowers.

This is not because I want to save the world from intergalactic villains or evil cyborgs – acting as the protector of humanity would probably be a little too much for me to handle, considering I can barely cope with the responsibility of keeping a house plant alive.

No, I want to be a superhero because I reckon that having superpowers would make my everyday life much more convenient – so here is a quick guide to how I would use certain powers in real life:

MOVING OBJECTS

If I have any trait that sets me apart from the rest of humanity, it is my epic laziness.

Therefore, I would find the ability to move objects with my mind very useful – after all, if you are able to move an object towards you then you are less likely to have to physically move towards it.

I cannot count the amount of times that I have sat down on the sofa and settled myself into the most comfortable position possible before realising that the remote is out of direct arms reach, which is frustrating because I then have to waste my time retrieving the remote when I could be wasting my time watching TV instead.

The ability to summon the remote to me without moving would therefore help to ensure that I am always wasting my time in the most efficient way possible.

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SUPER STRENGTH

Glass jars have been the enemies of mankind for years – they are often sealed so ridiculously tightly that they are completely inaccessible to the majority of the human race.

Like many people, I have spent long periods of time struggling to remove stubbornly tight jar lids before eventually conceding defeat, becoming yet another victim of this household nemesis.

If I had super strength, I would use it to break down the jar’s defences with a quick twist of my wrist.

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INVISIBILITY

If I had the power of invisibility, I would use it to avoid awkward social situations – for example, bumping into vague acquaintances in the street.

It would be great to simply disappear and bypass an awkward small talk session that I would otherwise feel obliged to participate in.

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FORCE FIELDS

Using public transport can be stressful, especially at peak periods.

If you are brave enough to use a train or a bus during rush hour, it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself rammed up against a complete stranger with your face positioned uncomfortably close to their armpit.

If I was able to generate force fields, I think I would use them to construct a personal space bubble around myself whilst travelling on public transport.

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TELEPORTATION

If you have ever walked along a crowded street, you will probably have encountered a dawdler (aka. a slow walker).

Getting stuck behind a dawdler is extremely frustrating as you are forced to adapt your pace to match their leisurely stroll until an opportunity to overtake and escape arises.

Imagine how amazing it would be to teleport yourself in front of a dawdler and continue on your way unimpeded – or even better, transport yourself directly to your destination and avoid walking in the first place.

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ELECTRICITY

Like many people, I am quite dependant on my phone, partly because it enables me to communicate quickly and efficiently, but also because it provides me with instant access to memes and other forms of mindless online entertainment.

Possessing the power of electricity would enable me to recharge my phone the second it ran out of battery so that I could resume scrolling through social media, watching cat videos and suffering occasional minor existential breakdowns whenever someone I went to school with posts about being pregnant or getting married.

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SUPER SPEED

I do not currently have clearly defined career goals so I always find it quite stressful whenever someone asks me about my plans for the future.

If I had super speed, I would use it to extract myself from such conversations with a quick burst of acceleration.

People say that you can’t run away from your responsibilities, and perhaps this is true, but I reckon you’d have a much better chance of escaping from the overwhelming pressure of adult life if you could run at super speed.

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YouTube Is The Enemy of Concentration.

The internet is one of the most significant inventions of the past 100 years and was probably designed with the intention of providing us with instant access to information and the ability to communicate with people across the world.

However, sometimes it seems like the internet was created for the sole purpose of distracting me.

The internet has the power to completely and utterly eradicate any semblance of focus that I have previously established.

For me, the site that poses the biggest threat to concentration is YouTube.

The majority of the videos on YouTube are short and it is therefore easy to click on a video under the impression that you are taking a brief break from being productive.

However, each individual video is linked within a seemingly infinite network other videos.

By clicking on a video, you are heading directly into a trap.

Whenever I go on YouTube, I feel a bit like Hansel and Gretel, except instead of following a trail of breadcrumbs to the house of an evil witch, I am following a trail of video clips, moving rapidly towards a procrastination pit.

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