A couple of months ago, one of my friends gave me a ticket for a session at a local meditation centre.
I hadn’t ever been to a live meditation session before so I wasn’t really sure what to expect but I decided to keep an open mind and went along to the centre a couple of weeks later.
I handed in the ticket in at reception and was directed towards a large room at the end of a long hallway.
I walked into the room and came face to face with the most attractive man I have ever seen in my life.
The man was wearing an orange tank top, black shorts and had his hair tied back in a man bun.
Normally, the sight of a man bun is enough to send a cringe-filled shiver straight down my spine.
However, any initial irritation I may have felt at the sight of the man bun was completely obliterated by the sheer perfection of his face.
After a few minutes, the man introduced himself as Ethan and asked everyone in the class to take a seat on the array of cushions that had been placed around the room.
He instructed us to close our eyes, take a breath and direct our attention towards our external environment which, considering he was part of the external environment, was incredibly easy.
Ethan then asked us to direct our attention inwards and focus on cultivating inner peace which was considerably more challenging.
As I attempted in vain to calm my mind, he started to talk about suffering which, needless to say, is not the most pleasant of subjects.
However, the combination of his slow deep voice, quiet confidence and proper fit face, somehow managed to make the topic seem sexy.
After around fifteen minutes of group meditation, Ethan got to his feet and started addressing each of us individually.
Once he had talked to a few of the other attendees, he knelt down beside me and gazed deep into my eyes whilst I tried desperately to maintain some form of composure.
‘You seem tense,’ he said.
Nobody had ever called my inner spirit a lotus flower before.
I liked it.
I liked it a lot.
I wanted him to say it again.
Preferably over a candle lit dinner
At our wedding.
Ethan smiled at me and placed his hand on my shoulder, his eyes full of compassion.
Ethan frowned and asked me if I felt like I spent too much time working.
He told me that I probably needed to spend more time prioritising my time and reflecting on what was important in life.
Ethan smiled and, for a moment, I thought my improvised seduction had miraculously worked.
Then, he told me that, whilst other people could guide me, I would have to walk the path to enlightenment alone, which I’m pretty sure was the smoothest rejection I have ever received.
The following week, I convinced my friend to come with me to the meditation class so that I could show her how beautiful Ethan was.
At first she was reluctant but I was pretty insistent.
Eventually, she agreed to accompany me to the class and we went to the meditation centre together. I lead her along the corridor towards the room, excited to show her the aesthetic specimen I had met the week before.
I was therefore confused, and somewhat horrified, when we walked through the door and were met with…
The beautiful man wasn’t there and, unless he had gone through some sort of Last Crusade rapid aging process, had been replaced by a completely different guy.
It turned out that Ethan had been a guest teacher who had been covering for the regular instructor.
Needless to say, my friend was very confused and was probably considering staging an intervention.