5 Everyday Nightmares

October 29, 2022October 29, 2022 ~ Joanne Sarginson ~ Leave a comment

It’s almost Halloween and, over the years, we have created a wide range of creatures such as vampires, werewolves and ghosts, all designed to scare us and give us nightmares.

However, I personally think everyday life contains more nightmarish scenarios than any horror movie ever could.

As a result, I have decided to honour Halloween by writing about a load of random things that the majority of us encounter on a daily basis that I would consider ‘a nightmare’.

1. Having to engage in any form of small talk

Small talk is hands down my least favourite form of communication and I don’t think I’m alone in this.

One of the worst things that ever happened to me as a human being on this planet occurred when I was taking train journey up to Edinburgh and the woman sat opposite me proceeded to make aggressively cheerful small talk (the majority of which was centred around her five cats) with me for four hours straight.

Nobody really wants to make small talk, or is even remotely interested in it, but we are all forced to engage in it on regular basis.

Ultimately, I guess participating in small talk is the result of being stuck between a rock and a hard place – when choosing between an awkward silence or small talk, people choose the lesser of two evils and opt for talking about the weather and their weekends.

We all have different tolerances for small talk.

(I personally have a one hour window on a Monday morning where I will tolerate talking about the weekend…)

My friend once told me that she could tolerate small talk if every five minutes, she could ‘take a break and go scream into a pillow’ to which I replied I could tolerate small talk if every five minutes, I could climb a mountain, stand at the summit and scream into the chasm below or, better yet, rocket myself into space, warp jump myself to the black hole at the centre of the universe and scream into an all-consuming void in which nothing, including small talk, can escape.

But each to their own…

2. Washing your hands in a small sink

In addition to small talk, I also hate small sinks, especially when they are attached to taps with aggressively high water pressure.

There is one of these sinks in one of the bathrooms in my current workplace. I do not know what masochistic engineer designed this sink but it is literally the size of a cereal bowl and the water that sprays out of its tap does so with the equivalent force of Blastoise’s water cannon.

To make things worse, the height of the sink and the curvature of the basin means that when the water is projected violently out of the sink, it is fired directly at your crotch which really is highly inconvenient when you’re trying to get through your working day with your professional dignity somewhat intact.

3. Having to deal with GP Receptionists

It is often said that only constant in life is change.

This is a very profound and thought-provoking statement but one with which I ultimately disagree.

Sure, the world exists in a state of continuous flux but, if there is one constant in the ever-changing ebb and flow of life, it is that GP receptionists are always, without fail, miserable as fuck.

I have never applied for a job as a GP receptionist for fear that it will suck all the joy out of me and leave me a husk of a human but I can only assume that one of the essential skills on the person specification is the ability channel all of your internalised resentment in the world into your customer service skills.

As far as I’m concerned there is no greater nightmare than really needing an appointment and being forced to stand in a borderline empty GP surgery whilst a hostile medical receptionist tells you that there are none available.

4. Group Chats

Hell is traditionally conceived as a fiery underworld where morally corrupt humans are sent to be punished for their sins.

However, my own personal conceptualization of hell is being forced to join 50 WhatsApp group chats and not being able to mute any of them.

There is no torture like being tormented by an endless onslaught of notifications, GIFs, selfies and out of context in-jokes.

Honestly, give me a lake of sulphur any day.

5. Mansplainers

If you’re not sure what mansplaining is, let me mansplain it for you.

Mansplaining is when one human explains a concept to another human in condescending way.

Now, I don’t want to assume that mansplaining is a gender-specific construct that is used solely by men and that women are not immune to falling into patronising explanations.

That being said, I once had my own personality mansplained to me by a guy who was trying to ‘let me down gently’ by telling me in great detail about that I was so kind and clever and funny etc. but also a bit too guarded and therefore he didn’t feel he could be in a relationship with me. When I told him that he’d got the wrong end of the stick and I wasn’t actually into him, he then proceeded to explain to me that I was but I just didn’t know it yet. Honestly. having your own non-existent thought processes laid out before you is truly mansplaining on steroids.

Another time, I was having a panic attack and a man tried to help me through it by telling me to ‘chill the fuck out’, a truly revolutionary insight that I’m pretty sure could singlehandedly dissolve the need for the therapy industry and ease the NHS’s strained mental health budget.

Preach, sir, preach.

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4 Real Life Halloween Characters.

October 31, 2018April 16, 2021 ~ Joanne Sarginson ~ 3 Comments

It’s Halloween!

In order to celebrate this, I have created a quick list of a few classic Halloween characters that also exist in everyday life.

1.

Sometimes, it is hard to distinguish a zombie’s clumsy, lethargic movements from those of the average human as they stumble towards the nearest source of caffeine on a Monday Morning.

2.

Is it a ghost or just someone who has become trapped in their duvet cover after climbing inside in a vain attempt to locate the corners?

3.

Vampires are creatures of the night – they are notoriously sensitive to light, preferring to stick to darkened spaces.

The majority of hungover people tend to behave in a similar way.

4.

The ‘Monster Under The Bed’ is a common feature in a wide range of Halloween films.

However, in reality, often the only thing haunting most people in the middle of the night is their own mind.

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I Think I Am Suffering From Holiday Season Withdrawal…

January 2, 2018January 11, 2019 ~ Joanne Sarginson ~ 9 Comments

January is quite a confusing time of year for me.

In the UK, the majority of holidays are concentrated between the months of October and December.

Although I no longer enjoy Halloween and Christmas as much as I used to when I was younger, I still like using the holidays as an excuse to consume a copious amount of food and drink before justifying the consequent damage to my waistline/ general health using the phrase ‘it’s *insert holiday name here* – I deserve to treat myself.’

In addition, the holidays provide winter with a kind of structure, helping to break it down into smaller, more manageable chunks.

There is always an occasion to prepare for and, up until the end of December, it is possible to propel myself through the long dark months of cold miserable weather on a tide of festive merriment.

However, eventually January comes around and I am suddenly released into the new year with nothing on the immediate horizon.

I never know what to do with myself without the incessant stream of holidays that have kept me occupied since late October.

new year

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4 Reasons Why Everyday Life Is Scarier Than Halloween.

October 30, 2017November 10, 2017 ~ Joanne Sarginson ~ 13 Comments

Halloween is supposed to be the scariest day of the year.

However, I find it strangely calming.

I think this is because everyday life tends freak me out on a regular basis and, at least at Halloween, I have legitimate reason to feel this way.

Creatures such as ghosts, vampires, werewolves and witches are specifically designed to induce a sense of fear and anxiety and it is acceptable to be afraid of them.

It is less acceptable to be afraid of receiving a phone call from an unknown user ID.

To celebrate Halloween, here are four everyday things that scare me more than any ghost, vampire, werewolf or witch ever could.

1. Finances

As a fully-grown adult, I am expected to manage my own finances which is unfortunate really because I understand money about as well as I understand supernatural forces.

Just to clarify, I’d probably have a better chance of banishing an evil spirit from my house than I would completing a tax return form.

Fortunately, I have come up with some techniques to help me wrap my mind around my finances.

Unfortunately, these techniques aren’t very effective.

My current tactic for dealing with my student debt is pretending that it doesn’t exist which is extremely counter-productive.

Because it does exist.

And it’s going to be haunting me for years…

2. Public Speaking

Sometimes, the fact that I am scared of public speaking makes me feel like a bit of a wimp.

People are scared of vampires, zombies and other Halloween creatures because they are legitimately dangerous – they either want to drink your blood, eat your brains or cause you some other form of significant bodily harm.

The only scary thing about public speaking is the collective judgement of others.

Unfortunately, the idea of being negatively judged by multiple people causes me to experience a paralysing fear that can be equated to the abject horror that Frodo Baggins felt when looking into the eye of Sauron.

People often tell me that the way to conquer my fear of public speaking is to approach the situation with a positive attitude and visualise success.

However, whenever I try these visualisation techniques, I just end up unearthing the ghosts of all the previous times that I messed up on stage.

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3. Dating

Modern dating is terrifying, predominantly because it is so confusing.

Technological advancements mean that a lot of communication isn’t done face to face.

As a result, when you first start dating someone, most of your time is spent desperately trying to figure out what the other person is thinking.

Unfortunately, no two people think in exactly the same way and therefore trying to understand what another person is thinking through the context of your own thought processes is impossible.

For a lot of people, communicating with a potential partner is a bit like receiving messages from another dimension.

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Sometimes, you don’t get anything back at all.

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4. The Future

The future is scary because it is a complete unknown.

We can attempt to exert some level of control over the future by planning ahead but, for the most part, it is impossible to predict what is going to happen.

Some people find this exciting.

I find it absolutely terrifying.

I do not currently have a very strong sense of identity.

In fact, Halloween is pretty much the only time of year when I actually have a solid idea of who I am.

Therefore, when somebody asks me who I am going to be in the future, my brain suffers a system malfunction and completely shuts down and I have to find a way to actively remove myself from the conversation.

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Whenever I can manage to haul myself out of my own narcissistic, self-absorbed, millennial mind bubble for a few minutes, I also get scared about the future of mankind and the planet.

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There is no need to invest in a horror movie when you can get the same effect by simply turning on the TV.

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I honestly don’t know how we all get out of bed in the morning…

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