movies

I have seen quite a few superhero films in the past couple of months and, as a result, I have decided that I would like to have superpowers.

This is not because I want to save the world from intergalactic villains or evil cyborgs – acting as the protector of humanity would probably be a little too much for me to handle, considering I can barely cope with the responsibility of keeping a house plant alive.

No, I want to be a superhero because I reckon that having superpowers would make my everyday life much more convenient – so here is a quick guide to how I would use certain powers in real life:

MOVING OBJECTS

If I have any trait that sets me apart from the rest of humanity, it is my epic laziness.

Therefore, I would find the ability to move objects with my mind very useful – after all, if you are able to move an object towards you then you are less likely to have to physically move towards it.

I cannot count the amount of times that I have sat down on the sofa and settled myself into the most comfortable position possible before realising that the remote is out of direct arms reach, which is frustrating because I then have to waste my time retrieving the remote when I could be wasting my time watching TV instead.

The ability to summon the remote to me without moving would therefore help to ensure that I am always wasting my time in the most efficient way possible.

SUPER STRENGTH

Glass jars have been the enemies of mankind for years – they are often sealed so ridiculously tightly that they are completely inaccessible to the majority of the human race.

Like many people, I have spent long periods of time struggling to remove stubbornly tight jar lids before eventually conceding defeat, becoming yet another victim of this household nemesis.

If I had super strength, I would use it to break down the jar’s defences with a quick twist of my wrist.

INVISIBILITY

If I had the power of invisibility, I would use it to avoid awkward social situations – for example, bumping into vague acquaintances in the street.

It would be great to simply disappear and bypass an awkward small talk session that I would otherwise feel obliged to participate in.

FORCE FIELDS

Using public transport can be stressful, especially at peak periods.

If you are brave enough to use a train or a bus during rush hour, it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself rammed up against a complete stranger with your face positioned uncomfortably close to their armpit.

If I was able to generate force fields, I think I would use them to construct a personal space bubble around myself whilst travelling on public transport.

TELEPORTATION

If you have ever walked along a crowded street, you will probably have encountered a dawdler (aka. a slow walker).

Getting stuck behind a dawdler is extremely frustrating as you are forced to adapt your pace to match their leisurely stroll until an opportunity to overtake and escape arises.

Imagine how amazing it would be to teleport yourself in front of a dawdler and continue on your way unimpeded – or even better, transport yourself directly to your destination and avoid walking in the first place.

ELECTRICITY

Like many people, I am quite dependant on my phone, partly because it enables me to communicate quickly and efficiently, but also because it provides me with instant access to memes and other forms of mindless online entertainment.

Possessing the power of electricity would enable me to recharge my phone the second it ran out of battery so that I could resume scrolling through social media, watching cat videos and suffering occasional minor existential breakdowns whenever someone I went to school with posts about being pregnant or getting married.

SUPER SPEED

I do not currently have clearly defined career goals so I always find it quite stressful whenever someone asks me about my plans for the future.

If I had super speed, I would use it to extract myself from such conversations with a quick burst of acceleration.

People say that you can’t run away from your responsibilities, and perhaps this is true, but I reckon you’d have a much better chance of escaping from the overwhelming pressure of adult life if you could run at super speed.

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Whenever I go to the cinema, I buy popcorn in the assumption that I will eat it steadily over the course of the entire movie.

However, once the first piece of popcorn touches my lips, all semblance of self-control disintegrates and I start to make my way through the bucket as if it is the first food that I have had after being lost in the wilderness for an extended period of time.

Popcorn is quite consistent in its flavour and texture so around a quarter of the way down the bucket, I tend to get a bit bored.

After a while, I get to a stage where I’m not really enjoying the taste of the popcorn enough to justify the number of calories I am taking on by eating it.

However, by this point, it is too late.

My hand is set in an unbreakable, mechanical rhythm and I cannot stop it from shoving handfuls of popcorn into my mouth, against the wishes of the rest of my body.

Eventually, I reach the stage where I am no longer eating out of hunger or enjoyment.

Instead, my desire to consume the popcorn is fuelled purely by a guilty obligation to finish the entire bucket in order to justify the hole in my bank account that I carved out when I bought it.

By the time the film actually starts, I have completely exhausted my supply of popcorn and am left with nothing but regret and the knowledge that I have paid about £100000 to have kernels permanently engrained in my teeth.

popcorn

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